Girlfriend demands boyfriend hand over social security number to run a background check on him after 1 year of dating, girlfriend gives him ridiculous ultimatum: ‘It's just not happening’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Jan 2, 2025 2:00 PM EST

There's no information that's quite as sensitive as a social security number. This is a number assigned to us at birth that basically tells the world we are a documented human being, and we are who we say we are in our day-to-day. Readers definitely (I hope) know this already, but it's important to explain in order to understand the gravity of the situation in this story.

The user who posted this story has been dating their girlfriend for one year. In that time, he learned about her past which includes a pretty toxic relationship that ended in flames. Her ex-partner had been living a double life, and because of this, she has severe trust issues. This makes perfect sense. What doesn't make perfect sense, is that after a year of dating the user, she asks him for his social security number so she can have her ex-federal government employee friend run a background check on him. Now, this user has never given her a cause for concern, but even so, asking for this sensitive information is a major red flag. Her past woes should not be placed upon him, and this user refuses to comply with her outlandish request. See how it unfolds below.

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    ப cv, Senada de 190. PESSOA
    via Unsplash (Maksym Kaharlytskyi)
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    AITAH For Not Giving My Girlfriend My Social Security Number So She Can Run A Background Check On Me
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    I (27M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (31F) for almost a year now. This evening she sat me down and said she needs to have a serious conversation with
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    me and she asked for my social security number. I said absolutely not, why would you need that? And she told me about her ex boyfriend that was basically living a double
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    life. He had a bunch of criminal charges in his past that he'd never told her about and eventually exposed her to some sketchy and dangerous
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    behavior before she broke things off after he cheated. I said okay, thank you for telling me that, but what does that have to do with my social security number?
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101

  • The user, though he understands that his girlfriend might have some unresolved trust issues from a traumatic past relationship, is in the right for not wanting to hand out his SSN. An individual's SSN holds the key to their identity on paper, and if that number makes it into the wrong hands, his life could get a whole lot more difficult.

    It would be a slightly different story (but not by much) if she had asked for this information when they first started dating, but they'd already been dating for an entire year. If she was suspicious of his hereabouts and the possibility of a “double life," she would've expressed more concern off the bat. But, even then, going around and asking folks for their sensitive information is not normal, nor does anyone have to actually comply.

    You know someone a little bit after spending an entire year with them, but not enough to expect them to put their identity at risk. This is why social security numbers exist—to ensure you are who you are. This user's girlfriend throws an ultimatum at him, but he remains steadfast in his decision to keep his private information private.

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    She said ever since then she's had her friend that works for the federal government run background checks on people to make sure they're safe, and because
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    our relationship is progressing she needs to know I'm a safe partner for her so she wants my SSN to check my criminal history. Now, for the record, I don't even have
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    a parking ticket. I'm a nerd and a gym rat, all I do is work, go to school, play dungeons and dragons, come home, watch anime, rinse and repeat, so I don't care
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    about a background check, she won't find anything. But I'm not giving out my SSN. I don't feel comfortable enough providing that to her friend.
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    Cheezburger Image 10449187584
    via Getty Images For Unsplash+

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    When I said that she got upset and said I don't understand what women go through and it's about safety. And I admitted she's right, I have no idea what women go through,
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    but that doesn't mean I'm giving my SSN out to a complete stranger. She says he isn't a stranger he's one of her best friends and married to a close friend of hers. And I
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    said honey that's great, but I don't know him, I don't trust him because I don't know him. That's MY information you're asking for, you can trust him with your personal
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    information if you want, but no one I don't know is getting my SSN or critical details. It's just not happening. And she said that our relationship isn't going to
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    be able to progress unless I give him my SSN because she needs to know that she's safe, and she's offended that I don't trust her taste in friends. I got up and left
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    at that point and told her I respect her concerns, but her past trauma doesn't give her the right to try and strong arm me into giving out sensitive
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    information to someone I don't know just because he works for the federal government and has access to a database. I used to work for the federal government so I
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    can say from experience, everyone working there isn't some wonderful person. I'm not assuming he's a monster or anything, but just working for the feds.
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    doesn't prove anything to me. She called me insensitive and hasn't spoken to me since. Personally I feel like she was gaslighting me into giving her what she wants but I'm not sure.
    via Alarmed_Sorbet8101
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    neverf... NTA. You don't even know if she's telling you the truth. She should be stealing your SSN for all you know.
    via neverfear***id
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    Run, run away. Clearly she isn't willing to address her trust issues. She needs therapy. Assuming everyone is a criminal and you need proof otherwise is incredibly toxic.
    via neverfear***id
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    Sahills Wait, so... a YEAR in, she doesn't trust you and needs a background check run? That's acceptable/necessary/ ok?
    via Sahills
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    Yet you not giving your SSN to a random stranger doing something illegal is you not trusting her, and not acceptable/ok? Dafuq backwards logic is that? NTA.
    via Sahills

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